Ringo star was talking to Paul, he says to Paul

"it is a shame about your marriage mate, do you think you would ever go down on one knee again"?

paul replied
" No, And please, call her Heather"

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were an
English guy, an Scottish bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.
The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright
red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: The English guy must have groped the blonde in
the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That English guy must have tried to
grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she
slapped his cheek.
The English guy thinks: That Scottish bloke must have groped the
blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me
instead.
And the Scottish guy thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so
I can smack that English ba****d again.....

my appologies to English but that was funny.

A cowboy stumbles across another cowboy stuck in some quicksand. Just his head is showing. So he asks him if he needs help. "Yes" is the reply, "But I hope you have a BIG shovel because I'm still sitting on my horse".

God bless Tommy Cooper.

The Value of Undies

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle ... especially in public.

From the Morning Herald, Sydney Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

*

Recent historical records have revealed why scotsmen wear kilts..... In 1372 Hamish Jock Mcnab won a ladies tartan skirt in a raffle.

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Ken accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Ron's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, Ken upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Ken went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Ron's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Ken courageously admitted that, well
indeed he did.

She said, " Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, Ken confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Ron works Friday afternoons and Ken doesn't, Ken should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Ken showed up at Ron's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Ken quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Ron came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did Ken come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Ron, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,

"Good, I was hoping he did. Ken came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player ...